Managing our Feelings
& The Buddha’s 2 Arrows
Have you ever noticed the way your mood and outlook can spiral quickly downward after one bad thing happens? Before psychologists started talking about primary and secondary emotional responses, the Buddha noticed this human tendency, which he talked about in terms of arrows. The “first arrow” hits us when a painful event occurs, and...it hurts. The “second arrow,” which is our reaction to the event, only adds to our pain.
Along these lines, I’ve often noticed how the reaction a person has to an event is far more impactful than the actual event may be. Using the arrow metaphor, we look first at the actual event that is causing us stress, and our immediate feelings about it --- sadness, fear, grief, anger, etc. This is the primary experience, or core layer, of a situation. You might feel really hurt to be excluded from a social gathering, or really disappointed not to get a job or project you applied for, or sad and rejected after a loss or breakup.
The next layer, which is your reaction to those immediate feelings and facts, constitutes the second arrow. The second arrow carries the judgements or stories you tell yourself about what’s happening, and it may sound like this: “I should be able to cope better with this situation..... other people probably don't have this problem” or “Why is this happening to me? I can't get a break;” or “I’ll never recover from this.”
When we get stuck focusing on our secondary reactions to a problem, which are our thoughts, feelings, and judgments about the problem, a lot of our suffering occurs. Losing a job, having an argument with a partner, moving, or experiencing intense anxiety, are all hard experiences to have, but ruminating about how we should or shouldn't be feeling, or how weak, ashamed, lazy, or unlucky we are can add immeasurably to our pain.
Finding relief
Relief can come from sorting the actual, “first arrow” experience and feelings we are having from our “second arrow” reactions to it. We do that by first asking ourselves, “What are the facts here? What has actually happened and what are my immediate feelings about it?” Then we note the additional layer of interpretation or judgment we are having in response to the primary facts and feelings: “What am I telling myself about this? What kind of thoughts and feelings am I having about my worth, my value, my future?”
Next it's time for decisive action. After having separated primary or first arrow emotions and facts in a situation from the secondary reaction you are having to it, ask yourself, “Is my secondary reaction here helpful? Are my thoughts, feelings, and judgments about this situation solving the primary issue?” If they are not helpful, which is often the case, you are faced with the decision to set those thoughts and feelings aside when they arise, to choose not to engage them or elaborate on them, but rather to honor the primary experience you are having and turn your attention from reacting to responding thoughtfully with what’s needed.
Letting go of our judgments, or the personal chatter in our minds that we may have lived with for years, is certainly not easy. But separating the secondary layer of feelings from our primary layer of experience, and coming over time to see this second arrow as a source of suffering over which we have some control, can go a long way to increasing peace and reducing distress in a difficult time. In order to slow down and make space for thoughtful responding to first arrow issues, we need to be conscious of what’s happening, and to allow for self-compassion and a non-judgmental stance as much as possible.
