For me, the start of a new year and the relatively quiet, slow pace of winter create a wonderful opportunity to spend time reflecting on the year past and the months to come, and checking in with my values and course in life.
This particular season, I keep being drawn to writings about authentic living, which involves shedding the social mask we all wear to some degree, and connecting with the true self that lies beneath. Psychologist Carl Jung put it well:
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. - C.G. Jung
For me, the start of a new year and the relatively quiet, slow pace of winter create a wonderful opportunity to spend time reflecting on the year past and the months to come, and checking in with my values and course in life.
This particular season, I keep being drawn to writings about authentic living, which involves shedding the social mask we all wear to some degree, and connecting with the true self that lies beneath. Psychologist Carl Jung put it well:
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. - C.G. Jung
It can be scary and intimidating to think of stopping the usual busy pace of our daily lives and pausing to confront our “true” self. Part of that fear is about the judgment and shame that often accompany our self-talk and social comparisons. Especially in a media-driven world full of images of “success,” it’s easy to feel “less-than” others, as though we are not enough somehow, or like we’re doing it wrong.
But what if we were to create a quiet space, mindfully setting judgments and “shoulds” aside, to reflect on what most matters to each of us? In the privacy of one’s own journal, for instance, how might it feel to write about the highs and lows of the past year, the memorable times, and the small and large victories we felt? Reflecting on what matters offers a window into our values, the things that give meaning to our days. For most of us, relationships figure prominently in our list of values, as do signs of personal success in whatever way we define it.
Here are a few steps to follow in guiding the process for you, toward clarifying more of who your authentic self is:
Start with a quick self-assessment: Ask yourself how you’ve been feeling recently, in terms of health and energy. How’s your sense of vitality at home and at work, or school, or while volunteering?
Check in with your mental and emotional state: Is your outlook generally positive or negative? Are you excited, looking forward to things, or do you feel exhausted, worn out and overwhelmed? A thoughtful client recently shared Shauna Niequest’s book with me, Present over Perfect, in which the author shares her experience of going from being super-competent and productive to being totally worn out, irritable and overwhelmed by all the good things in her life. It’s a great commentary on the ways in which, even in a life full of good things, we can become tired and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of demands we face, even those we create for ourselves.
Name your values: this may not be obvious or easy for some, but it’s an exercise you can revisit periodically, filling in ideas as you become more clear about what matters to you. So, to name your values, start by asking yourself what matters most to you. Is it your role as a husband/wife, parent, child, partner? Or in your job, which allows you to make money, help others, or seek answers to important questions?……Do you value experiencing the world through travel or reading or discussion?…. Perhaps qualities like honesty, independence, or kindness stand out as most important to you. I suggest you write freely, without a need for explanation, about the things that move you, as you consider what matters most in your life. The wonderful thinker, Professor Steven Hayes, just wrote a thoughtful piece on getting in touch with our values in Psychology Today .
Notice the ways in which you are living in line with your values: When are you feeling most alive, most “zesty,” most deeply in tune with your true self? Your true self is the original, authentic person you are, apart from the myriad internal and external forces that operate to tell you how you “should” be in life. If you stop and think of the times you remember feeling truly alive, content in the moment, you will likely get more clarity as to what matters deeply to you.
Pay attention to ways you are spending time that don’t really align with your values…..and ask yourself “why?” What purpose do these actions serve? Here you will likely get some insight into how your false self is showing up. If you value time with loved ones above all, but find that you are working incredibly long hours, and often too tired to connect meaningfully with the people you love, what drives that behavior? A desire to seem competent at work, or to have enough money, or fear of seeming lazy or unmotivated, perhaps? Or if you have a very busy social calendar, but long for more rest and quiet time, what motivates you to accept invitations so often? Perhaps a fear of missing out, or losing connection to others? Psychologists and philosophers alike have found that the not-so-hidden hidden secret most of us carry around is a deep-seated fear of failure in one way or another.
Finally, consider any shifts you might make to live more authentically, to connect with your true self and recover some vitality after shedding some of the burden of the false self. This step involves naming our fears, including what we think will happen to our own self-view or others’ opinions of us if we say “no” to more activities, or set different limits on our time. But of course, our fears are not always facts. In actuality, our fears may overestimate threat or risk, or underestimate the gains we stand to feel in making a change. In her book and talks for The Gifts of Imperfection Brene’ Brown speaks eloquently of the value in laying down some of our expectations and fears, and living each day as though we are “enough,” (see a video clip with Dr. Brown here).
It’s really fruitful to allow ourselves a regular time to check in with our true selves, and that can occur at the New Year, or on our birthday, or during a relaxing vacation away from everyday life. Hopefully, the result will be greater authenticity, and true satisfaction, in how we live!
