Whether we’re at work, school, or home, times inevitably arise when two people’s needs, wants, or styles are in conflict. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) offers us some invaluable strategies for dealing with relationship conflicts in a way that grows our connections and self-esteem.
interpersonal effectiveness strategies
Brooke McKenna, PhD
How others interact with us is largely out of our control. However, there are ways we can shift our own behaviors to better align with our values and interact more effectively with others. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has great materials to build our interpersonal effectiveness skills. If you feel like others aren't meeting your needs and you are hesitant to say something or others aren't responding well when you do say something, using one or more of these skills may be helpful.
Let's use an example situation that may require interpersonal effectiveness:
Your friend recently started seeing someone and has been spending a lot less time with you, which has left you feeling hurt. You're happy for them, and at the same time, you're feeling left behind, wanting to spend more time together.
Your goal is to maintain the friendship while also getting your needs met. A great skill for this is DEAR MAN.
DEAR - represents steps to take in communicating your needs
Describe the situation in objective language. Start just with the facts.
"We used to text daily and see each other several times a week. However, in the past month, we've only talked three times."
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation.
"I know it's not your intention but it's left me feeling hurt and left behind. It makes me feel like you no longer value our friendship, which is sad because it's really important to me."
Assert. Be direct and ask for what you want out of the situation.
"Can we make plans to see each other at least once a week so we can stay connected even while you're building this new relationship?"
Reinforce the person's change in behavior proactively by explaining the positive effect of getting what you are asking for.
"I feel like this will be helpful for both of us because I know you've said in the past how much you value maintaining strong friendships while being in a relationship.
MAN represents the approach to take while communicating those needs
Mindfulness. Keep the conversation focused on your goal, rather than allowing it to get diverted. Redirect from distractions and reiterate your point when needed.
Friend: "Well I've been feeling upset with you also because you keep borrowing things from me without asking."
You: "It sounds like that would be helpful to address in a separate conversation. For right now, I'd like to focus on this though. Do you feel like you're able to make more time for our friendship?"
Appear confident, effective, and competent. Make eye contact and use confident body language even if you're feeling nervous.
You: *sit up straight, hold eye contact, speak with a strong voice and warm tone*
Negotiate. Be willing to explore alternative solutions and/or meet in the middle.
Friend: "I'm not able to spend time together every week, but what if we had a phone call every week and planned to get dinner at least twice a month?"
You: "That works. It's less than I was hoping, and I also appreciate that you're making the effort to see me more often and stay connected."
“GIVE” Skills preserve the relationship
If you notice that these types of conversations tend to turn into fights, the GIVE skills may help you communicate more effectively and maintain healthy relationships.
be (Gentle)
Remain calm, kind, and respectful. Avoid verbal or physical attacks, threats, or manipulation. Avoid judging, blaming, eye-rolling, interrupting, or other disrespectful behaviors.
(act) Interested
Listen to the other person's point of view. Maintain eye contact, lean towards the person rather than away from them, allow them time to speak without interruption. If you make them feel heard, they'll be more likely to do the same for you.
Validate
Show that you understand the other person's feelings and perspectives, even if they're not the same as your own.
(use an) Easy manner
Use a light-hearted approach, perhaps with a little humor. Be genuine rather than having your walls up. If you are more approachable, the other person will be more open and responsive as well.
“fast” skills maintain self-respect
If you notice that you tend to leave these conversations feeling defeated, or as though you sacrificed your values, FAST skills may help you stand your ground and maintain your integrity and self-respect.
(be) Fair
Be fair to yourself and to the other person. Validating your own feelings as well as theirs.
no (Apologies)
Don't apologize for having certain emotions, opinions, disagreeing, or making a request. They are valid even if the other person doesn't agree with them.
Stick to your values
Be clear on what your morals/values are and don't agree to anything that doesn't align with those values.
(be) Truthful
Don't lie, exaggerate, or make up excuses. Being honest and genuine will help you feel better about yourself and be more effective with the other person.
We hope you’ll give some of these skills a try. Remember, any new skill can feel awkward at first, but practice makes them smoother over time. Contact our team if you are interested in further help or coaching!
Reference: https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/index.phpEngage in deep breathing
