In this month’s post, Dr. Flavia Germano talks about the stages couples and families go through over time, and how connections change across the family lifespan. We hope you enjoy it.
How Families Change Over Time -
by Flavia Germano PhD
Every couple, every family is unique. Yet, despite the differences of the two partners in terms of culture, race, sexual identity, age, etc., if they decide to build a family, they will have to go through five stages that require a creative adaptation to the new asset.
First, they need to build their “nest”. This means that they have, for example, to discover their own way of being a couple, decide where to settle down, and set healthy borders with the families of origin, which is especially important in cultures where different generations may live together.
The couple could decide to have children, who are expected with much joy and excitement. But often this wonderful event doesn’t turn out as imagined. The arrival of the first child results as one of the main causes of separation among partners. Becoming a triad or even a bigger family nucleus changes the relational dynamics: the mother may not feel supported the way she would need and desire; the father may feel excluded from the initial symbiosis between the mother and the child, divergences among the partners through the raising of the children may emerge in a stronger way, on top of sleepless nights and new daily life rhythms.
The children grow, they become more independent, and some parents start worrying about the next stage: what if my child will turn into an antisocial adolescent?
Adolescence with its physical, emotional and mental transformations and the ensuing generational gap can create a sense of instability and uncertainty. Both the kids and the parents need to find a way to move through this transitional phase between child- and adulthood.
After years of more or less troubled waters, the teenagers start being less counterdependent and more independent, facing important decisions like going to live on their own. This is a very significant moment, not only for the teenager who leaves the family house but also for the parents who stay behind. Up to that moment, some parents may have identified mainly with the role of a parent. Confronted with an empty nest, rediscovering themselves as individuals or as a couple could prove very hard.
The last stage coincides with the third age: retirement, physical weakness and at the same time wisdom coming from a life-long experience - the decisions on how to live the last years of one’s own life are only some of the topics that may emerge.
Every transition, from one stage to the other, requires a restructuring of the family and of its old ways of functioning. It demands that family members manage changes in themselves and in their way of relating to their loved ones. But not everyone may be ready or willing to implement the necessary adjustments, thus resulting in conflicts, stress, psychopathological symptoms, tensions, etc.
Psychological support - through individual, couple or family sessions - can be a fundamental tool in helping the family members find their resources to bridge these stages and to regain a renewed and satisfying or even more satisfying balance and improved well-being.
