This month’s post is written by Rivian Lewin, our resident Psychology Fellow, an expert in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and addressing avoidance in treatment. If you find it helpful, find more on our social media posts, and in Rivian’s Summer Series Workshops.
As humans, we experience a wide spectrum of thoughts, emotions, and memories—ranging from unpleasant to pleasant. How do we respond when we notice something unpleasant spike up inside of us? For most of us, we have a whole list of avoidance strategies we use to try to suppress these unwanted experiences.
For example, we might rely on distraction (e.g., watching tv, going to sleep, working), opting out (e.g., canceling plans, avoiding certain conversation topics), or consuming substances (e.g., alcohol, social media, food) to prevent us from needing to experience certain painful feelings or thoughts.
This process makes sense, right? We feel something our mind has judged to be “bad” and then we use whatever means necessary to avoid that feeling. While this makes sense, it’s important to explore the workability of avoidance. Meaning, does the avoidance get rid of the unwanted emotion/thought in the long term? Does the avoidance help us to live more meaningfully? Does the avoidance cause any problems?
Let’s break these questions down one by one:
Does the avoidance get rid of the emotion/thought in the long-term? Our emotions and thoughts don’t operate with rules of subtraction. In fact, some of us find that the more we try not to think about something, the more frequently and intensely the thought arises. Likewise, some of us may notice entering a game of emotional-whack-a-mole…once we whack one emotion down, another pops up.
Does the avoidance help us live more meaningfully? The answer to this question is nuanced. For example, some rely on work as their main avoidance strategy. If work is linked to values, work can contribute to a meaningful life. On the other hand, when work is prioritized above other valued activities, it might be getting in the way of meaning. Some people use TV to avoid. If TV is connected to one’s values (e.g., leisure, rest, curiosity), this strategy may contribute to meaningful living. We can also imagine a way in which TV no longer enhances meaning. It’s important to assess each strategy for how it functions in the moment.
Does the avoidance cause any problems? Attempting to get rid of emotions/thoughts/memories tends to require a lot of energy. We might also find our life shrinks, as prioritizing not experiencing unpleasant feelings or thoughts limits where we can go, what we can do, and how we can engage with people.
Take some time this week to curiously look for moments of avoidance in your own life. Take inventory of the thoughts/emotions/memories you most try to get rid of and explore how you attempt to do this. It’s helpful to notice avoidance, as it’s happening, and ask ourselves these questions: Does this avoidance strategy work for eliminating the feeling/thought in the long-term? Does this avoidance strategy improve the richness of my life? Does this avoidance strategy come with any costs?
Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.
