Some time ago, I wrote about strategies for recognizing and reducing worry in our lives. Today I write an epilogue to that post, which could also be titled “what to do when you’re not worrying……”
It’s such a pleasure for me to celebrate with people when they are successful in reducing their worry and anxiety patterns. However, I’ve often noted a sense of unease alongside the relief people feel when their worry has been reduced. It turns out that it can be hard to get used to the new head space we create when we stop worrying so much. Maybe this has happened to you: you’ve spent days or weeks worrying about an event or circumstance, returning to fears and daydreams repeatedly, until finally, the event passes or is resolved. In the days that follow, how do you feel? Maybe relieved and happy. Maybe a little disconcerted, as though there’s something you should be giving attention to, something you are forgetting…..?
For a lot of people who have endured chronic worry or anxiety, the relative peace of mind they discover when symptoms abate is unfamiliar and vaguely uncomfortable. There’s a nagging suspicion that they ought to be feeling more concerned, more alert, more attentive to something. Sometimes that concern is much more specific and could sound something like this: “I’ve been worried and anxious about my health for years, with a whole variety of concerns. It seems really strange now to just go about my day, as if I’m okay.” or “I’ve been so careful about how I do my work (or homework), wording things just right, that now, when I just write what’s on my mind, it seems careless, like I’m not paying enough attention.” or “Now that I don’t spend so much time worrying about my family (or my job), it seems like I’m not trying hard anymore, like I’m letting things slide.” These are the kinds of statements that I’ve heard lots of people in worry recovery make. They are making note of the fact that worrying sometimes feels like it’s productive, and not worrying seems, somehow like they’re getting away with something.
The irony here is that true, recurrent worry and anxiety are not effective problem-solving strategies, and they don’t magically protect others or improve our work quality. Being conscientious and hard-working are not the same as taking valuable mental energy to dwell in “what if” thinking or the “catastrophizing” or rumination that characterizes worry and makes us anxious.
So, how to combat those feelings of unease if you’ve had some success in reducing worry thoughts? First, we need to challenge the idea that we should be worrying, that worrying is protective, or that it’s a moral or ethical obligation. Instead, we want to remember that we’re cultivating new habits of mind, freeing space, creating room to be creative or productive, to get involved in new projects, to help others if we like. And then we can remind ourselves, with self-compassion, that all new habits feel a bit strange at first, until they become familiar, so that staying the course through a time of adjustment will likely payoff with real benefits in peace of mind.
So often in my work with clients, we find it helpful to stop and “watch” their thoughts pass by, as if on screen in front of them. We notice ideas about what they should be doing, and about what could happen, and then we take a breath together and a step back and think about what the next most effective step is for him or her to take in whatever the situation is. Then we try and focus on being effective and letting the rest go.
I wish you well in your efforts to find more peace, celebrating freedom from worry!
